{"id":6082,"date":"2022-02-02T16:36:48","date_gmt":"2022-02-02T15:36:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/transakcija.si\/old\/?p=6082"},"modified":"2023-11-11T05:35:55","modified_gmt":"2023-11-11T04:35:55","slug":"nova-transpektiva-verjetno-niti-nisem-tako-zelo-trans","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/transakcija.si\/old\/2022\/02\/02\/nova-transpektiva-verjetno-niti-nisem-tako-zelo-trans\/","title":{"rendered":"Vesna Novak: “Verjetno niti nisem tako zelo trans”"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"

Vesna Novak<\/p><\/div>\n

Pravijo, da so nekateri ljudje vedno vedeli, da so transspolni. \u010cutili so nelagodje in takoj razumeli, da je to disforija. Svoj \u201ccoming out\u201d so naredili v najstni\u0161kih letih in ponosno vstopili v svet transspolnosti. Jaz nisem bila taka. Premagati sem morala veliko negotovosti in samoprepri\u010devanja, da sem lahko sprejela, kaj sem.<\/p>\n

Znaki so bili seveda po malem vidni \u017ee v otro\u0161tvu. \u017de pred puberteto sem sanjala, kako zanimivo bi bilo biti pun\u010dka. Na skrivaj sem prebrskala mamino omaro in pomerjala obleke, ko star\u0161ev ni bilo doma. Zagotovo pa nikoli nisem \u010dutila nobene stiske, ne? OK, vsak dan sem uro ali dve zapravila na Internetu, kjer sem se pretvarjala, da sem punca. Nisem pa bila \u017ealostna, \u010de kak dan ni bilo \u010dasa za to. Dobro, ja: kadar sem videla kak\u0161o lepo punco, nisem sanjarila o seksu z njo \u2013 bolj sem si \u017eelela imeti njeno telo. V redu, no, ob\u010dasno sem po Internetu naro\u010dila kak\u0161a \u017eenska obla\u010dila in v njih lenarila po stanovanju, nato jih pa skrila na dno najbolj tema\u010dnega predala. Morda sem se parkrat vanje oblekla tudi zunaj stanovanja \u2013 pono\u010di, ko ni bilo nikogar na ulici. Ja, ja, morda je bila polovica pornografije na mojem ra\u010dunalniku urejena po mapah z imeni \u201cMo\u0161ki se spremeni v \u017eensko\u201d in \u201cIzmenjava teles\u201d. Se zgodi. Ampak to je bilo samo nedol\u017eno sanjarjenje. Vsakdo kdaj sanjari, ne?<\/p>\n

Tako sem bila dolgo prepri\u010dana, da zagotovo nisem trans \u2013 samo normalen tip z zanimivimi vendar nedol\u017enimi spolnimi zablodami. Sli\u0161ala sem za transspolnost, a sem bila prepri\u010dana, da je to za druge ljudi. Druga\u010dne ljudi. Slej ko prej sem pa tudi jaz za\u010dela do\u017eivljati disforijo. Ne vem, od kod je pri\u0161la, ampak nenadoma je postalo veliko bolj prijetno nositi \u017eenska obla\u010dila, nato pa veliko bolj neprijetno izgledati preve\u010d mo\u017eato. \u0160e vedno pa sem se lahko prepri\u010dala, da to ni ni\u010d takega. Verjetno je faza, bo pre\u0161la. Aha, \u0161e vedno je tu? No ja, vsaj ne gre na slab\u0161e. Ups, zdaj gre pa na slab\u0161e? Eh, verjetno ne bo \u0161lo bistveno bolj na slab\u0161e.<\/p>\n

Nekatere_i si lahko takoj priznajo, da so trans. Zame je bila to huda ovira: tudi ko sem si to priznala, sem vedno pravila, da \u201cniti nisem tako zelo trans, samo po malem\u201d. Zelo va\u017eno je bilo, da sem samo po malem trans. \u010ce bi si priznala, da je to resna stvar in ne bo \u0161la sama od sebe stran, bi morala celo kaj storiti. Morala bi povedati star\u0161em, prijateljem_icam in sodelavkam_cem. Morala bi zamenjati garderobo. Morala bi za\u010deti jemati hormone in na\u010drtovati kirur\u0161ke posege. Ne, ne. Veliko la\u017eje je bilo re\u010di \u201ceh, verjetno nisem tako zelo trans\u201d, ker mi potem ni bilo treba storiti ni\u010desar.<\/p>\n

Morda nekaterim tako samoprepri\u010devanje uspe. Ne vem, kako to izgleda, ker nisem sre\u010dala \u0161e nikogar, ki bi ji_mu zares uspelo. Meni zagotovo ni. Morala sem si priznati, da sem trans in da sem vedno bila trans. Ste vedele_i, da si cis tipi ne \u017eelijo, da bi bili lepe \u017eenske? Neverjetno, toda resni\u010dno. Zame sta bila \u201csamo rahlo trans\u201d in \u201cne prav zelo trans\u201d samo izgovora, s katerima sem se izogibala stra\u0161ljivim stvarem. Nekatere stvari sem sicer \u0161e vedno lahko opravila: dala sem si naprimer z laserji odstranit dlake na obrazu. To je \u0161lo, saj sem se lahko prepri\u010dala, da pa\u010d itak nikoli ne bom hotela imeti brade in bom lahko samo lepo obrit mo\u0161ki. Dlje pa nisem mogla iti, dokler si nisem priznala, da sem prav zares transspolna. Ko sem si to priznala, sem povedala star\u0161em in za\u010dela iskati hormone. Vsi nadaljnji koraki so bili bistveno la\u017eji od tistega za\u010detnega priznanja.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Imam kolega, ki je \u010drn in trans. Neko\u010d mi je rekel, da je biti trans podobno kot biti \u010drn: tega si itak nisi sam_a izbral_a, tako da se ti tudi ni treba sramovati. Ko sem \u0161e mislila, da sem cis mo\u0161ki, sem svojim trans kolegicam vedno pravila, da se tudi njim ni treba sramovati. Vseeno pa me je bilo zelo sram, ko sem pri\u010dela z lastno tranzicijo. Zaradi tega sramu sem se samooklicala za \u201cmo\u0161kega s fluidno spolno identiteto\u201d, \u201csamo rahlo trans osebo\u201d in \u201cniti ne tako zelo trans osebo\u201d. Trajalo je precej \u010dasa, da sem si priznala, da pa\u010d \u201csamo rahlo trans\u201d ljudje ne jokajo, ko se neobriti vidijo v ogledalu. Ko sem si priznala, sem pa lahko kon\u010dno postala sre\u010dnej\u0161a.<\/p>\n

Vesna Novak<\/strong><\/p>\n

(Original napisan v angle\u0161\u010dini za Laramie Pridefest Quarantine Zine 2020. V sloven\u0161\u010dino prevedla avtorica.)<\/p>\n

_______________________<\/p>\n

\u017deli\u0161 prispevati svojo transpektivo? Pi\u0161i nam na info@transakcija.si<\/a>! Naj se sli\u0161i tvoj glas! Ve\u010d o rubriki Transpektive – osebne izku\u0161nje trans oseb na povezavi.<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Pravijo, da so nekateri ljudje vedno vedeli, da so transspolni. \u010cutili so nelagodje in takoj razumeli, da je to disforija. Svoj \u201ccoming out\u201d so naredili v najstni\u0161kih letih in ponosno vstopili v svet transspolnosti. Jaz nisem bila taka. Premagati sem morala veliko negotovosti in samoprepri\u010devanja, da sem lahko sprejela, kaj sem. Znaki so bili seveda […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":18,"featured_media":6083,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[43],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6082","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-transpektive"],"yoast_head":"\nVesna Novak: "Verjetno niti nisem tako zelo trans"<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Vesna Novak: "Verjetno niti nisem tako zelo trans"\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Pravijo, da so nekateri ljudje vedno vedeli, da so transspolni. \u010cutili so nelagodje in takoj razumeli, da je to disforija. 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